youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
