I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
