So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
