Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
