I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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