It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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