did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
