The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
