Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
