It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I only lived at night.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
