We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
