I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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