I faked an abortion last night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize