SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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