I met the friendliest cop last night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
