Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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