Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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