well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
