it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
