You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
