she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
