Have you finally orgasmed yet?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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