My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
