I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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