If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.