why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?