How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
