I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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