god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
These tits shall not be calmed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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