Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
