Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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