theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
