We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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