He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
