dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
