hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
