Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
