if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize