you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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