Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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