I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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