I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
