I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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