Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
