I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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