I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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