Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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