You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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