This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
