hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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