don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize