and she was petting her beer can
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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