Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the day after is always just damage control
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
