walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why did my mother make you get naked?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
