I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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