Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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