the condom got lost in my hair
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
