Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
